(Ha, bet that title really drew them in. )

Yet as for geeting drunk, well, need to do something at least. It has been a week now, just did the math, and I have only slept about eighteen hours during that time. Oh, sure, might have missed a couple here and there as I went over the “You were unconscious between here and there” list, thus I am erring on the side of +.

I think my mind is trying to kill me. Damn thing simply will not shut up. Oh, doesn’t mean I have any energy to do anything with it, only no matter whatever I do, try to take a tub, say, look for some relief from the body pain, the mind snaps to instant, full GO! mode.

Swear, could have written War and Peace three times over now, as is, I have twenty ideas for journal musings, three different book manuscripts I have gone over as well as several episodes scenes of Steven’s Story--all in my head simultaneously. That’s the problem, soon as I haul my sorry butt back up, the ‘energy’ goes poof, gone, and I am left a numb zombie. Well, numb beyond the pain of course. Working on ignoring that right now, but...

So yeah, think the mind is trying to kill me, burn me up. Just got some proof of that. Little while ago I got out of the tub (more on that in a bit) and was feeling hungry so stuffed my face with some Chinese food, milk, ect. Then I went to go step on the weight scale.

I am now under 115 pounds. Long hair soaking wet, stuffed full of greasy chicken, pork and spareribs and I could just barely touch 115 pound. Last week it was 120. Something ain’t right here, folks.

Ha, talk about being burnt out!

Haven’t even been working much, Emile sees the state I am (so weak) and he gave me the past two days off free and clear. He took over the store and everything. What a guy.

He is hanging out at the local diner with a buddy right now, has the cell phone on him just in case...now we get back to my tub.

Yeah, was foolish of me to let my guard down like that, I know, I know, but swear to gods I am dying here and needed to do something. Didn’t work for crap though, mind started running (beyond the section which is screaming. See older posts on that. Aug 17th's On the subject of pain.) so after tossing and turning I had to get out.

Was doing my drying and noticed something outside the window: our security light was on, and at that moment shut off.

The motion sensing security light we put up in the back of our house, the end no where near the street, cut off by trees and fences. Something had set it off.

Ah well. Not going to call Emile, he needs his time off and I can not see anyone out there now. (Emile, if you ever ready that, please don’t get mad. Hugs, hon, you need to have your fun right now as bad as I do.) Another little jolt because I discovered he had forgotten to lock the doors between our upstairs living area and the one downstairs.

Note that both myself and several psychic we know have been receiving clear images of our antagonists breaking in through a downstairs window to do their violence. These dreams started about 2 months back. Recently, (three days ago) because we are having the house painted, we had to trim our guarding bushes protecting the very ancient basement windows. There is a nice, sheltered area between those windows and anyone watching from the street now. Great.

Ah well.

LOL, listening to my music player set to random and “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” just came on. Groovy.

Suppose I shall not try to get any sleep till he comes back in a few hours, not that it would do any good. Even my only trick is failing me these days. Had insomnia for years, drugs don’t work on me, quirky metabolism. Tried that melatonin and ye gods, what a horrible trip that was! Completely awake, eyes could be open, however it was not a state I could break. In and out of nightmares, tripping the rift fandango, psychic crap, the works. So no, only trick I have is to use the mind, create stories, re-write television shows or insert characters into movies I’ve seen and ‘play’. Even doing that it will take about four to six hours for me to truly drift off. Normally the best I can achieve is a sombulant zone, a half awake state, that at least gives me some bit of respite.

So basically that is it, really do not want to go writing, dwelling, on the pain right now. Talk about some depressing shit, man! Only thing I can do, have been doing is floating around the net, shooting off small messages here and there into the abyss to be lost. Use my few scant moments of clarity and energy, keep up the ‘Happy Face’ bit.

I really wish I could sleep. My mind is trying to kill me, only it only comes into crisp, sharp clarity when I am laying down trying to rest. Quite zonky right now, falling back into chair between lines. Ah, would love to be doing some creative writing, to do just anything with this! However, this at least allows me to relieve some of the pressure in the damn cranium.

I should get drunk, only alcohol wakes me up. Man, would love to do some partying, could use a good...ah, nevermind, that’s my business, not yours.

Oh my gods, I am in so much pain right now. Fighting a battle you would not believe not to write about it, thus the rest of this post is so disjointed, not receiving the full effort such deserves.

I would like to be laughing right now. Best I can achieve is a smile, for in a few months that is all I shall be doing, looking back upon this episode in my, our lives, and smiling because the world is so grand and life is good!

Must keep that in mind as the clock ticks down; countdown to fall. That is when all the shit will be coming crashing down. Can feel it. Guess in the end that is what this is all about, the needing to be ‘aware’ right now, high noon to midnight and all around the clock between.

RANDOM MUSE: This morning I was looking out my window here, watching the sun rise again, and something odd caught my eye. The interior roof of the upper floor porch is not so good, one of the fixing projects on the list, yet there is something strange out there. One of the thin (oh, say 3 inch wide) boards is bent down in a large bow leaving a good five or more inch gap.

Why? Because there is a rock in there.

Hum.

It is not a small rock, it is more than my two fists placed together side by side and one above, just a rock, only, what the hell is it doing there? There, between the roof and the ceiling of our upstairs porch? I mean, a meteor would have been noticed, right? Hello? Same as I doubt the antagonists are using catapults, (they aren’t that smart) but still...how?

MUSE #2: These pay-per-post blogs are really starting to get on my nerves. I think Bravenet should add a little icon to the front of them so we stop wasting our time whenever a “Recent Entry” shows up in the stats. That is not what we are all here for. There is enough gosh damn advertising of crap out there on the net already, people! Once, we hated the banners and pop ups, now we got them in online diaries and journals? Give it a rest already!

MUSE #3: Should I post this? Truthfully, I would much rather people come here and first thing they see is something fun. I would rather share smiles then create boredom or disturb. Could use some contact. Feeling so alone and separated, could use some friends right now. Oh, not a gabby-gabby lets hang/hold hands type, because I do not have the energy and further, can only bring other people down right now. I hate doing that.

Still, just these little pop-ins which say “hello” and stuff really help a lot. Random contacts from the ethers...I crave them during this time of trials, don’t ask me why. Truthfully, I am not really a people person, and I am sorry to say that, really I am. Only, I have so much of my own weight to bear here. Used to love Cybertown, the online virtual community I used to belong to. Made so many contacts...and then it changed. I seemed to become the shoulder for the whole world to come cry on. Not that I minded, only, there is just so little that one can do, and the demands were getting so great...

Was really getting crazy. people I did not even know just seemed to gravitate towards me, find me somehow, as if pulled by some sort of magnet. Again, I did not mind, only, it drained me dry. No energy left for my art and things really suffered here in my real world. So many people in pain out there, only, one thing I learned long ago: most of them ENJOY their pain, if only because it is a method they can use to contact/touch another with for a brief while. As well as it gives them a sense of ME ME ME power. Man, I loath that crap, another reason, beyond the migraines that I do not do psychic readings. Waste of my time, because deep down, most people do not want to change a thing.

Gets very lonely though, must admit. Guess that is why I restarted this journal again, gives me a place to talk. No, I am not looking for a shoulder to cry on, I handle my own troubles, thanks, only, it is a nice thought to entertain that you are not just a nothing, that somewhere, maybe someplace, if only for a briefest moment, someone thinks of you.

I think of a lot of people a lot of the time you know. Wouldn’t believe it if you knew me in person, smiles, oh yes, yet a hard one, that’s me, still, I do. Guess the only thing I can really do in the end is to be myself, be truthful like that. Seems a lot of people find strength in it. Again, they come into the store and are always asking me for advice, to listen to them. Of course they (98%) do not want to hear what I say back, just filling up time for themselves, still, I do think of them, of you.

Some small smiles here, because on rare occasions you do know you have touched and done a little good. Not everyone basks in their troubles so they can get some attention. There are still some out there who are willing to take hold of themselves and lives and at least try.

Again, it is about all any of us can ever do. Wish I was writing this more clearly, not simply rambling on, but I am just too burnt out, sorry.

Doesn’t matter anyways, no one ready these long things...ah, just got a pop-up from my yahoo account.

Thanks, Lee, you brought another smile. Cheers.

The answer is: I do not sleep. LOL!

Speaking of, it is time for me to resume doing the same. Surfing some journals, letting people out there know that yes, someone has read and heard them, even if it is just a ghost floating in the ether, a random moment to smile.

End of message.

Cheers and blessings,

Melissa

just popped in to read some of your blogg

;)

LOL Cheers, mate, and thank you!

Just checked your site, man, I need to go fishing! It has been ages. Well, thing I plan to catch up on after our move.

Take care and keep smiling,
Melissa